Staying together and connected: getting it right for sisters and brothers: national practice guidance

13. Supporting relationships

Whether brothers and/or sisters are living together or apart, their relationships with one another must be supported throughout childhood to realise their lifelong potential.

13.1 Nurturing positive relationships

There are both positive and negative aspects in the ways most brother and/or sister relationships are experienced, and these can change frequently.^[92] Confusing and contradictory feelings can be amplified for brothers and/or sisters living together away from home, who may find one another's presence simultaneously a comfort and a source of discomfort, connected to previous experiences or trauma; a protective presence, but also a source of rivalry; a confidant, but also an individual who holds deep personal information which they could choose to share.^[93] These complex dynamics, often combined with the impact of pre-care experiences on their relationships, mean that children with brothers and/or sisters need the right care, support, and attention to enable their relationships to develop, and to flourish.

Providing a home environment where children can develop a sense of trust and security is a core foundation of life, from which relationships between brothers and/or sisters can grow and thrive.^[94] Warm, receptive and consistent interactions with caregivers, and a reduction in any perception of unfair differential treatment of brothers and/or sisters, can help to ensure sibling relationships can improve over time.^[95]

Creative solutions

'We had never seen quite such a strong "parent" role towards her younger sisters as K showed. She would not allow adults in, and during the time they spent together her sisters fought with one another for her attention – it was stopping them all from enjoying their relationships as sisters. Over time, K got to know us and opened up to us about how sad she was and how unfair everything felt. As trust developed, K started to tell her sisters to "ask the grown ups" when they wanted help, their relationships became strong and appropriate, and although they do not all live together, they remain in each other's lives and have a strong and healthy bond.' (Source: STAR, Siblings Reunited)

Where children have experienced early adversity, they may find it harder to get along with their brothers and sisters, having had limited opportunities to develop some social-emotional skills.^[96] Activities and interactions which build certain skills are helpful to supporting the development of brothers' and/or sisters' relationships, including:

• co-operating (e.g. in play)
• communicating (e.g. conversing, asking questions, responding)
• turn-taking (e.g. in games)
• sharing (e.g. toys)
• problem solving (e.g. negotiating, managing conflicts verbally)

Additionally, caregivers using consistent approaches in response to any aggression, and in maximising the use of positive attention, are both helpful in supporting the development of brothers' and/or sisters' relationships.^[97]

Focusing on support which reduces any conflict and/or aggression between brothers and/or sisters is core to improving their relationships, for example, through effective mediation by the caregivers, and being exposed to (and supported to make) positive affirmations about themselves and their brothers and sisters.^[98]

The potential of brothers and/or sisters to act as 'therapeutic agents'^[99] for one another should be maximised. Researchers and practitioners emphasise the value of working with brothers and/or sisters together. This can involve therapeutic sessions where necessary (and depending on the similarity of the developmental stages of the brothers and/or sisters),^[100] or less formal arrangements in the everyday, using play, art, and family-centred activities that build pro-social interactions.

In cases where brothers and/or sisters have experienced high levels of distress and trauma, or where there are mental health concerns, supporting the development of their relationships with their siblings may require specialist knowledge and skills from a clinical psychological-developmental perspective.^[101]

Multi-agency working is required to ensure the timely provision of appropriate levels of support where brothers and sisters experience high levels of conflict within their relationship. Therapeutic interventions to support these relationships are invaluable in ensuring groups of brothers and/or sisters continue to live together.^[102]

13.2 Supporting new brother and sister relationships

It is often the case that there will be children already living in the home environment which a child joins when the child comes into care. For example, the biological children of kinship carers or foster carers, or other children living in their care. As relationships develop, children in this situation may begin to see one another as brothers and sisters, and these bonds may last a lifetime.

There are many positive aspects to these new relationships for all the children involved. Children may gain companionship and friendship fundamental to their wellbeing and development. There are also aspects which children can find difficult, such as sharing adult attention and affection, perceiving differential treatment, and sharing their space and possessions.^[103] Decisions which have the potential to create new sister and/or brother relationships are significant and must be matched with the right level of support to enable these relationships to thrive.^[104] Children may require support to navigate and develop their new relationships, and the quality and nature of these relationships is important to the success of placements. Strategies for parents and carers to use include:

• Finding shared interests, spending time playing and doing fun activities together with the support of parents and carers
• Ensuring children have enough focused time and attention from the adults caring for them
• Listening to the views and feelings of each child
• Facilitating access to groups where children are living in similar circumstances or having the chance to talk to other children whose parents are also carers
• Teaching children the skills to resolve their own disputes
• Encouraging reciprocity and sharing
• Seeking specialist help where there are serious conflicts.^{[105] [106] [107] [108]}

13.3 Considerations for sisters and brothers who live apart

Where it is considered better for their relationship for brothers and/or sisters to live apart from one another, careful planning to ensure they keep in touch and that their relationships are supported to grow and develop is required. Planning is required to determine how, how often, and for how long brothers and/or sisters are in touch. This must be based on assessment, and consider a range of factors, principally, the nature of their relationship, future plans (e.g. any longer-term plans for brothers and/or sisters to live together), and the views and wishes of the children concerned.^[109]

There may be exceptional circumstances in which brothers and/or sisters live apart, not due to concerns about their relationship, but because of a lack of homes available where they can stay together. Brothers and/or sisters in this situation must be able to live together again as quickly as possible, and in the intervening time, to spend as much time together as possible, in line with their views and wishes.

When brothers and/or sisters do not live together, supporting them to spend quality time together is critical to maintaining and developing their relationships.^[110]

Where brothers and/or sisters live apart, spending time together can raise a range of different emotions, and each child may need support and encouragement to express their feelings and know that these will be acknowledged.^[111] Section 11 of this guidance is focused on planning and facilitating good quality family time for brothers and/or sisters who do not live together.

13.4 Knowing and understanding levels of contact with siblings

Children who have less contact with some or all their brothers and sisters must be supported to know and understand the reasons for this, in a way that is sensitive to their developmental needs. Without this reassurance, children may imagine they are at fault or to blame in some way, feel guilty, or feel rejected by their brothers and sisters. If decisions are not properly communicated to children, there is likely to be an adverse impact on their relationship with their brothers and sisters.^[112]

13.5 Supporting relationships where brothers and sisters don't know one another

Where children have grown up apart, they are likely, at some stage, to want to know more about any brothers and sisters they have. It is important that information about family is recorded so this can be shared in the right way and at the right time.^[113] Children may have worries about their brothers and sisters and they need to be sensitively supported with this. It may be that, for example, for some children being able to see a photograph of their brothers and/or sisters at any time helps them with their feelings.^[114]

In other cases, brothers and/or sisters may feel ready to have direct contact with one another, whether by phone, social media, or in person. Planning this carefully with the full involvement of all the children concerned will give children a sense of agency and help them to know what to expect. Preparing children appropriately, discussing with all the parents and carers involved, and managing children's expectations are important components of successful contact. Giving children multiple opportunities to reflect and share their thoughts and feelings after they have met with their brothers and sisters can help them to manage any difficult emotions they may feel.

13.6 Support for families and carers

The importance of caregivers in influencing the development of relationships between brothers and/or sisters is clear and unequivocal.^[115] To meet children's needs, those who provide their day-to-day care (whether carers or family members) need support to understand a child's developmental needs in the context of their relationship with their brothers and sisters. This support must be available through discussions with their family, social workers, teachers and health professionals in the Team Around the Child. In cases involving attachment difficulties and trauma, the input of specialist therapeutic services may also be required to support families and carers to understand, plan for and meet children's needs.

Families and carers require access to significant ongoing support, across a range of areas (including emotional, practical and financial) to care for brothers and/or sisters and ensure the needs of children can be met. For more detailed consideration of the support required and how to provide them, please see Section 8.